Mario Lopez stars as Colonel Sanders in "Recipe for Seduction" on Lifetime and I have questions

This is apparently 100% real.

Late Monday morning I was scrolling through Twitter when something that had to be a joke caught my eye:

Lifetime @lifetimetv

Mark your calendars because Lifetime and @kfc have partnered for a Lifetime Original Mini-Movie you don't want to miss! "A Recipe For Seduction" starring @mariolopezviva premieres Sunday at 12PM.

I didn’t really believe this was a real thing. I mean, 2020 has been awful and crazy and things beyond my wildest dreams/nightmares have happened. But a Lifetime and KFC collaboration? Starring Mario Lopez as Colonel Sanders? That just sounds like the setup to a really weird joke.

But it’s real! I checked out the guide on my cable and sure enough, it’s airing on Sunday at noon (yes, I set my DVR). And there’s a trailer!

(“Secret’s out, chicken man!” is certain to go down as one of the classic lines in film history.)

I also found an article on EW.com that contained this official description:

"As the holidays draw near, a young heiress contends with the affections of a suitor handpicked by her mother. When the handsome chef, Harland Sanders, arrives with his secret fried chicken recipe and a dream, he sets in motion a series of events that unravels the mother’s devious plans. Will our plucky heiress escape to her wintry happily ever after with Harland at her side, or will she cave to the demands of family and duty?"

After I determined that this was, in fact, a real thing that is really happening, I moved onto other pressing questions.

1. Why?

2. Why??

3. Who suggested the partnership, Lifetime or KFC?

4. Why would they suggest such a thing?

5. How did Mario Lopez get involved?

6. Is everyone associated with this idea on meth?

7. Or did they all get their hands on some strong preventative COVID-19 drugs and this is the end result?

8. How many “finger-lickin’ good” jokes will there be in this mini-movie?

9. What the hell is a “mini-movie”?

10. Is the decision to go from “Kentucky Fried Chicken” to just “KFC” discussed?

11. Are we really supposed to think of Colonel Sanders as a hot guy going forward?

12. Did they purposely give Mario Lopez the worst fake facial hair ever?

13. Seriously, what drugs were being abused that led to this?

14. Who invented the Double Down and why do they want Americans to die of heart attacks by age 40?

Seriously, who thought this was a good idea?

15. Why doesn’t Colonel Sanders have a southern accent in the movie?

16. The people in this movie are talking on smart phones, yet the first Kentucky Fried Chicken opened in 1952 in Utah. Are we supposed to act like KFC is a new thing?

    

17. Is Colonel Sanders’ famous secret recipe being launched in 2020 officially canon now?

18. How was there not one person that said, “you know guys, 2020 has been rough. The people deserve better than the guy from 'Extra’ playing a fast food icon in a Lifetime mini-movie”?

19. Does this open the door for other fast-food romance movies?

20. Should Mark-Paul Gosselaar play the Burger King in “Lust Royale,'“ a story of burgers and betrayal?

21. What on earth is this guy wearing?

    

    No wonder the heiress wants to leave this guy for a chicken chef.

22. Is there potential for a crossover involving Los Pollos Hermanos?

23. Can I write the script for it?

24. Does “A chicken chef and his heiress bride are kidnapped by a rival chicken restaurant Los Pollos Hermanos and forced to sell meth for drug kingpin Gus Fring. The experience teaches them more about life, love, and meth than they could have ever dreamed” work as a log line?

25. Is this Mario Lopez’s “O” face?

    

    I hope not.

26. Is this a weirder promotion than when KFC released “finger lickin’ good” nail polish that tasted like chicken?

27. Or when KFC made a bucket of chicken that doubled as a photo printer?

28. Can we just get another episode of “Community” with a KFC plot instead?

Troy Barnes is the hero 2020 needs.

29. Why is any of this happening?

30. Why are there KFCs everywhere when the superior Zaxby’s is still not a nationwide chain?